


Ship of Theseus

by BlueTeaParty



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Anal Sex, Established Relationship, Ethical Dilemmas, F/M, M/M, Mass Effect Big Bang 2018, Multi, Oral Sex, Poly Relationship, Post ME3 fix-it, Synthesis Ending, Xenophilia, custom Shepard - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-28
Updated: 2018-05-28
Packaged: 2019-05-03 23:16:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14579775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueTeaParty/pseuds/BlueTeaParty
Summary: The war has been won, the universe has been saved and now they have to deal with the aftermath.It's been months without Shepard, but Kaidan and Tali are working through the loss together. It's getting better, even when it hurts.Then the dreams come.He can't be the only one thinking that maybe, Shepard is still alive?Beautiful artwork by the wonderfulSolstheim!





	1. Death; 1

**Author's Note:**

> The ship of Theseus, also known as Theseus's paradox, is a thought experiment that raises the question of whether an object that has had all of its components replaced remains fundamentally the same object.

_There’s nothing._

_The last sensation I can remember was pain. So much pain; my body literally being torn apart, molecule by molecule._

_I can’t see. Is there anything to see? Do I even have eyes? Then why can I see? Is this seeing? I reach out a hand but…there is no hand._

_I feel…nothing. I’m nowhere and yet, I have to be somewhere. I can still think, though what was my name…_

_Is this death?_

_It feels like eternity. It will be nice to feel again, nice to reach out to touch something. Anything really. This darkness is my everything. Oppressive and yet, open. I really want to touch my face._

_…Kai...Ta…_

_What is that? It feels…warm._

_What if I’m stuck here forever? How long will it take me to lose my mind? Have I already lost it?_

Maric. Shepard.

_The name is sudden. That’s…me, right? The name meant something to me._

_Kaidan! Tali!_

_It’s not good enough. For the first time in what feels like eons, I_ want. _I want to be with them, I just need to try harder._

_I want to scream but I have no voice._

_Kaidan! Tali!_

_Try harder…what can I truly do though? I’m stuck here, wherever it is…but I want. I need them._

_How long have I been here?_

_Time…it doesn’t exist here. Am I even really thinking? Or am I a ghost?_

_I need to do something._

_Where am I?_

_Thoughts don’t exist. They have no meaning._

_I feel._

_I want._

_I dream._

_KAIDAN! TALI!_

\---

_KAIDAN._

Jerking awake, Kaidan bit back a gasp. He blinked, confused, heart hammering against his ribs. Adrenaline coursed through him as he sucked in deep, greedy gulps of air. For a moment, it had been like Shepard was in the room with him, yelling for him. Reaching out for him… It was not the first time this had happened, and each time it did, it was like his heart cracked just a little bit more.

“ _Tachi_?” Tali voice echoed beside him. He panted heavily, shaking as she reached for him. Her hand held his, her fingers curling around his own. For the moment he just stared at their hands entwining; green circuitry pulsing through both of them. That glow lit the room in a soft green light, mixing with the dark blue of the fishtank.

“It’s okay,” he gasped. “It was a dream. A dream…nothing more.”

Tali looked at him, _really_ looked. She frowned and Kaidan knew she sensed his mind’s lie. “Did you hear him too?”

“It can’t be him,” he whispered. It’s too much to hope, too much to bear, if it's not true…

“Why not?”

Leaning forward, Kaidan pressed his forehead to hers, and opened the synaptic link between them. Their thoughts flowed together once more, the memories of both their dreams swirling together like water. The knowledge that they gained was immediate.

“Oh _keelah_.”

“You can say that again,” Kaidan muttered. Their dreams, what woke them…they were almost identical.

Kaidan frowned. “Tali, if this really is Maric and he’s calling for help…how the hell do we do that? I wouldn’t even know where to start looking.”

The quarian also frowned, her hair spines standing up and flaring as she thought hard. “It’s not something we can do on our own.”

“No, you’re right. I wonder... is there a way that we could record these, uh, messages?”

“Hmmm, considering the nano-synthetics, I don’t see why not.” Tali activated her omni-tool, Kaidan wincing at the brightness.

He let her tap away for a few moments, before curiosity got the better of him. “What are you doing?”

“Sending some algorithms and well, dream diaries, for lack of a better term to EDI. From there, she’ll be able to monitor these dreams and maybe even extrapolate a point of origin.”

Kaidan smiled, shaking his head. “Have I ever told you how amazing you are Tali?”

Her hair spines stiffened for a moment. “You might have.” Eyes flashed towards his for a brief moment, then flicked back to her omni-tool. “Though a few more times couldn’t hurt.”

Seeing that look on her face, Kaidan couldn’t help but lean in, pressing his lips against hers. Tali giggled, her spines flaring in what the biotic had learnt was embarrassment and he pulled back, worried about pushing her too fast.

It was his turn to be surprised when Tali turned fully, both hands grasping his face, pulling him into a passionate kiss. Kaidan gasped into her mouth, moaned as she rolled him over, lying on top of him. His hand made its way to her hip, holding her and stroking the alien skin.

Pulling apart, they both opened their eyes, smiling when they only saw love and affection in the other's.

“It’ll be okay Kaidan,” Tali pressed a kiss to his forehead. “We’ll find him.” A few more taps on her omni-tool, then she beamed. Kaidan could _feel_ her joy at being able to express herself physically.

He pulled her down against him, until there was no space between them, pressing his face into her shoulder. Together, they could both hear their hearts beating, steady and soothing. Kaidan rolled them over, spooning together on the bed, and slowly they fell back asleep.

And Kaidan wanted so desperately to believe her.

\---

The morning brought new messages, EDI addressing him in person as he stepped from the elevator. Her link to the Normandy had been severed, the majority of her awareness was now contained in the synthetic body Cerberus had crafted. What remained of her consciousness within the Normandy itself, could really only be said to operate at a VI level of intelligence.

“Colonel Alenko,” she acknowledged his entry into the CIC, “Admiral Hackett has requested that you contact him at the earliest available time.”

He nodded at EDI, acknowledging her and turned to his station, pulling up his messages. The new rank disturbed him on some levels, he wasn't not sure how much he did to earn it, and how much was gained riding on his late-boyfriend’s coat-tails.

It was still odd, hearing the crew address him as colonel, bringing to his attention various details that needed handling. Kaidan ignored the thought that this was meant to be Shepard’s crew, shoved it aside like so many times. It was his job for the moment, and he intended to do it well.

Kaidan smiled at the cup of hot coffee waiting for him on the terminal. Grasping the mug, taking a sip of the liquid ambrosia, Kaidan made his way to the QEC, where he placed the half empty cup in the corner. Stepping up to the display, he quickly patched in the request to Hackett’s own vidcom. Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief as the admiral was quick to reply. The man himself soon materialised in front of him, though the blue holographic projection did little to display the new circuitry running through his skin.

“Admiral Hackett.” Kaidan saluted.

“Colonel Alenko, I won’t waste time here. We have a situation.”

An image of a Reaper appeared in the hologram; a reaper capital ship. There were several smaller reapers floating around it. Kaidan felt the familiar anxiety creep up in his gut from before Shepard’s sacrifice; it wasn’t something he ever thought he’d feel again.

“We have word that one of the reaper capital ships located within the Arcturus Stream, has started to transmit signals directly to Alliance HQ, located on Arcturus Station. This in itself isn’t worrying, not since the ship helped to reconstruct the place but it’s using Alliance frequencies to do so.”

Kaidan frowned. This was too much of a coincidence.

Hacket eyes seemed to flash, the man visibly hesitating before speaking. “The reaper is using the personal code of Commander Shepard.”

Kaidan froze.

“It’s asking for you.”

Kaidan sucked in a breath. “What... what does that even mean?”

Hackett frowned, he wasn’t happy about it either. “We don’t know colonel. Considering your crew’s expertise, it’s going to be the Normandy’s job to investigate it.”

Nodding, Kaidan grimaced. He should probably tell the Admiral about his and Tali’s dreams...but if this really ended up being Shepard, could he trust someone else to do it?

“There is one other thing,” Hackett’s voice cleared, and Kaidan made sure to refocus his attention on the other officer. “Which we’ve already notified the Quarian Fleet of. It's also asking for Tali'Zorah vas Normandy.”

Kaidan blinked. He hadn’t been expecting that, though he felt he should have.

“Considering the situation Colonel, I would like to keep this under wraps. I don’t want this getting out, the scale of panic this could spark…it needs to be avoided. Can I count on you?”

The biotic swallowed nervously, nodding at the projection. “Of course sir.”

“Thank-you Colonel Alenko. Hackett signing off.”

 _Fuck_ , Kaidan thought. This just got a lot more serious and a hell of a lot more complicated. 

And his coffee had gotten cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Go see more art by the wonderful Solstheim [here!](http://solstheimart.tumblr.com/)
> 
> \---
> 
> This piece was very much an experiment for me. 
> 
> It's very Kaidan-centric, spans over several months and I could have easily made it about four times bigger. I narrowed my focus considerably...Nonetheless, I do hope you enjoy it <3


	2. Death; 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author’s note: This takes place before chapter one.**
> 
> _Also, NSFW art in this chapter_ <3

Kaidan found himself sitting on the commander’s - _Shepard’s_ \- bed, just observing his hands. He’s clenching and unclenching them, still in disbelief at what he’s seeing.

His hands clenched. Unclenched. The callouses were still there. As were the scars.

He didn’t even remember how it happened but it’s still him. Everything was still the same.

But it was not.

The green circuitry was still there. Illuminating. Eerie.

It was so beautiful. Hauntingly so.

Without even thinking, one hand made its way to the back of his neck, his amp port. The amp itself was fused with him now, in a way that none of them understood. All he knew was that he hadn’t had a migraine in the months since the Crucible. Since he had said goodbye…

His hands clenched. Unclenched. Still the circuitry shimmered.

He looked over to the model ships, resting on their perches. Each one was a reminder of the man he loved; Kaidan couldn’t find it in himself to take them down. Shepard had asked him whether he wanted to build one with him. Later, he had said.

Later would never happen now.

Moving his eyes from the models just drew attention to the other memories in the cabin. The fish, the hamster, war medals… Keeping them was both a treasure and a burden. It had been a long time…too long.

His melancholy broke as the door to his - _Shepard’s_ \- cabin opened and the other third of his heart entered.

“I thought I would find you here _tachi_.” The sound of her voice made him smile; it was almost musical, it sang when outside of her suit’s voicebox.

Turning around, he couldn’t help but grin. It was still strange, seeing her face bare, though it shimmered with the same green circuitry he knew his own did. Kaidan had wondered what colour her eyes were before the Crucible…

She was still wearing her hood, though, lowering it as she walked towards him. The gesture warmed Kaidan’s heart; among the quarians it was a sign of trust. The spines she had in lieu of hair, flexed in welcome.

The absence of her suit had been a welcome side effect of whatever the Crucible had done to them. Even more so than the absence of his L2 migraines.

He wondered how Shepard would have reacted to the aftermath.

Kaidan wanted to burst out laughing, how absurd the universe had become since the Crucible. He felt like crying, he wanted to cry because they could have had this with Maric, but he was gone now and oh god why won’t it stop hurting please make it st –

“Ssh, Kaidan.” She reached up to cup his face, cleaved fingers sure. When had he started crying? When had Tali even led him over to the couch, cradling him as if he were a child?  
Instead of answering, he leaned in to kiss her, soft lips meeting gently. Her lips were one of the few parts of her that were truly soft; to be able to have full body contact with the person who held half his heart was to be treasured.

The other half belonged to a dead man.

“He might be gone Kaidan,” she murmured against him, her mind brushing gently against his own, “but he gave us each other.”

Kaidan nodded, this was Shepard’s final gift to them, no matter how much he hated (loved) the man that had given himself to the galaxy. Selfish he knew, to want them both. Selfish to miss Maric who was gone, when Tali was here with him.

“I miss him,” he swallowed harshly, finally able to articulate it. “I miss that fucking asshole so much.”

Tali nods, “ _Bosh’tet_ never could do anything right without both of us there.” She stilled for a moment, before cracking a smile at him.

And for the first time since Shepard died, Kaidan _laughed_. Truly, deeply laughed. For a brief moment, it felt like a betrayal, but he forced himself to focus on the now. Allowing himself to be with the woman that had captured his heart, as well as Shepard’s.

“Please…I need you Tali,” Kaidan whispered.

The quarian smiled and nodded.

Kaidan rested his forehead against Tali’s, the skin so alien but he liked it, liked being able to feel her like this. His took one of her hands, entwining their fingers and together they relaxed.  
Then they let their minds open, thoughts racing together, meeting each other. The circuitry now imbued in their bodies, allowed them to connect like never before. She was beautiful. So, so beautiful, her personality folding into his, all around him, simultaneously reaching out and drawing him in. Kaidan was drowning in her and he wanted to float there. Tali reacted with only pure joy, the happiness she felt was infectious.

There was an underlying sadness, a tinge of darkness around their joy. Together though, it seemed dimmed. The pain was an echo when they were like this, reassurance wrapping around the memory of loss.

Slowly they retreated back into their own minds, but the connection was still there, pulsing happily out of sight. For a few moments, neither spoke, luxuriating in the feel of knowing the other so intimately.

“You…love me. You actually love me,” Tali murmured.

“I know I’ve been…distant, Tali, but being here, with you,” he looked at her alien face, the features so close to human and so very not. “You’ve kept me sane.”

Tali smiled, and reached in to kiss him, her alien fingers holding his face. Kaidan’s mouth opened with a gasp and she took advantage, deepening the kiss, pressing her tongue in to meet his. Rough little spines dotted it but he revelled in it. _This_ was Maric’s gift to them.

Opening his eyes, Kaidan gave a little smirk to the quarian sitting in his lap. He flipped them both over, then settled in between her thighs. He leaned in, nuzzling at her thighs, slowly kissing down the rough skin until he reached her moist cunt. Moaning at her taste, he rolled his tongue against her opening, gently parted her folds.

Tali sighed happily, relaxing and opened her thighs more, to give the human full access. She gasped when Kaidan’s talented tongue found her clit, toyed with it. Kaidan couldn’t help the little moans that escaped him; he’s missed this, missed her taste, so different than a human woman. His tongue moved down, slipping inside her a little and he groaned, her taste was so much stronger here.

He moved his hand into his pants, hissing at the contact against his cock. It’s already hard, precum beading a little at the top, foreskin already retracting. Kaidan looked up and smiled at the blissed-out look on Tali’s face. This was still new to her and he knew it could be a little overwhelming at times.

Leaning forward, he dipped his tongue back against the damp folds, his tongue making tiny little flicks. Tali squirmed above him and he slowly moved his free hand to press lightly against her clit.

“Kaidan!”

The quarian pressed her hips into his thumb and he took that as a sign to continue. Gently rubbing at the little bud, he began to push his tongue into her as deep as he could get it. His hand was still pumping his cock, gaining his pleasure from giving it to Tali.

“Ah! Don’t stop, please!”

Kaidan began to glow softly, activating his biotics. He was gentle, Tali wasn’t -- _like Maric_ \-- into the electric pain that biotics could bring, but she did enjoy the mild caresses he could produce. She whined above him, starting to reach her peak and he started long, hard stokes of his tongue, combining it with his thumb and biotics. He lapped at her core like a man dying of thirst and Tali reached down to press his face against her.

Finally, her body froze for a moment, going rigid as her orgasm hit. A soft gasp and her entire body trembled her release. Kaidan pulled his hand back, not wanting to irritate her clit into oversensitivity, though he continued to eat her out, Tali whimpering as her orgasm rippled through her.

Then Kaidan gasped, hand pumping his cock, as he joined her in orgasm. He rested his forehead against her thigh, and together they breathed.

“Wow,” Tali broke the comfortable silence and Kaidan couldn’t help but chuckle. “We should do that more often.”

Kaidan gave her a wry grin, even as his heart sang with a mixture of love and grief. He lay there with her, holding her and admiring her body without the suit. He listening to her breath even out and smiled as she slowly slipped into sleep. The biotic lay awake for a long time, just watching.

It wasn’t betrayal, was it? To try to move on? Accept the gift that Maric left them with?

He ignored the little voice in his mind whispering otherwise, smothering it with thoughts of Tali.

The bed seemed so big with just the two of them.


	3. Rebirth; 1

“Have we talked about how insane this is?” Joker muttered as he entered the coordinates for Arcturus station. “I mean, we’re talking about going inside a fucking reaper. Whose bright idea was that?”

“From the data that could be gathered, indicates this message is not malicious.” EDI spent the better part of the day combing the transmission for anomalies. Traynor and herself believed the transmission to be genuine but the motives were still unclear.

“Seriously though, what about indoctrination?” Joker turned, looking at Kaidan who just entered the cockpit.

“That hasn’t exactly been an issue since, well...” Lacking a better word, Kaidan gestured to their bodies, the gleaming green circuitry evident in both.

Joker nodded. “The nano-circuitry yeh...don’t think I’ll be getting used to it any time soon.” Snorting, he twisted back in his chair. “Though the lack of general aches and pains is nice. Still...could have asked first you know?”

“Yeh, I know what you mean…don’t think I’ll ever get used to it,” Kaidan murmured. “Whatever happened on the Crucible, I still wonder if this was its intention.”

“Yeh, didn’t exactly go as advertised, that’s for sure.”

The three of them were silent for a moment. Kaidan didn’t know what the other two were thinking, but his own thoughts couldn’t help but drift back to that moment when they were forced to enter the relay, ahead of the force of the Crucible firing. What had happened to Maric on the the Citadel? The transmission to Shepard and Anderson had been lost, no-one knew what had happened to either of the two soldiers in those last moments.

The joy of the reapers deactivating had given way to confusion when that green wave of energy transmuted everything it touched. Between them crash-landing and waking up, their bodies had changed. A few hours’ worth of panic, turned into months of observations and studies.

They barely scratched the surface of what they were now capable of.

Shaking his head, Kaidan left the cockpit to let the pilots do their thing and to check up on the rest of the crew. He still needed a plan of attack, so to speak, about approaching the reaper and possible contingency plans. It was impossible to say what they would encounter.

 _If nothing else_ , Kaidan thought despondently, _maybe we’ll be able to finally put Maric and Anderson to rest properly._

\---

The time passed quickly. Far too quickly for Kaidan’s liking. All too soon the analysis was complete, plans made and Tali and himself were suiting up.

Looking out the window of the shuttle, a cold fear ran through him; a shadow of that fear rippled out from Tali. There, hovering in deep space, was the outline of the reaper capital ship, _Transcend_. There were several smaller reapers surrounding it, intel identifying them as processors. The processor reapers had been dormant since Maric had managed to activate the Crucible, their primary function no longer needed.

“This is insane,” he whispered.

Tali nodded. “You won’t get an argument from me there Kaidan.”

Cortez landed the shuttle with his usual expert ease. Looking over at the other two, he couldn’t help but grimace.

“Be safe.”

Kaidan and Tali both nodded.

“I’ll be here, waiting.”

Tali walked up to Kaidan, placing her hand on his shoulder. He smiled back, taking comfort in her presence. Moving into the armoury, they suited up, helmets clicking into place. The outside world was reduced to their little bubbles, both of them breathing harshly into the silence of their helmets. The opening of the shuttle door was dulled in the vacuum, and there was a brief pause before exiting its relative safety.

The reaper was massive, a flag ship. It’d have been awe-inspiring if it didn’t inspire abject terror. The pair paused, took some time to take it in; the sleek two km high reaper was just sitting there, an ancient monolith. It was difficult to even see the entire thing, the somber metal blending into the darkness of space around them.

The moment was broken by an opening appearing near them, sleek but strangely hushed. Kaidan frowned, looking towards Tali for support who nodded. Together, they walked into the belly of the reaper. It was almost like a tickle at the back of their minds, being urged on by something ancient. It reminded Kaidan of their shared dreams, but somehow...older. Was this the first step of indoctrination?

Inside was silent.

It seemed almost organic, in its design. What passed for walls were almost skeletal, vaulted ceilings seemingly made of bone, but metallic. Structures almost like veins ran their way throughout, though seemingly without purpose. The geometry felt… wrong, but Kaidan was unable to figure out why. Darkness followed them but neither needed light to see.

There were numerous tunnels throughout, but entryways opened upon their approach, herding them to wherever the reaper wanted them. There was no sound, somehow the rearrangement of the passageways barely displaced the air as they moved.

Their breath was loud within their own helmets, as neither spoke. The utter lack of sound, except for their footfalls echoing through the halls as they proceeded deeper, was unsettling. No way to measure how far they had walked.

A final aperture. How either knew was beyond them both, it was more like feeling, something connecting with them, driving them forward.

Stepping through, they gasped at the alien beauty. The area they stepped into just opened, the size difficult to judge from their vantage point.

It was like a church inside. Silent, tranquil…oppressive. Beams of light filled this area, directing them through the massive hallway.

Kaidan didn’t want to break the silence, but he needed to speak, confirm this was really happening.

“Whoa.”

“Yeh…whoa,” Tali mirrored him.

They could both feel the other’s awe. There just weren’t any words to describe what they were seeing, feeling. Something they would have to analyse from their data feeds later.

Before them, a towering piece of technology stood at odds with the organic nature of the reaper. Kaidan had seen this before though, a life-time ago.

“It’s a beacon.”

“Inside a reaper.” Tali’s reply was so dry, it practically forced a chuckle from Kaidan. “Are you sure?”

Kaidan nods, “I was there with Shepard, when he talked to Sovereign the first time.”

The altar was moving, transforming, opening. Kaidan’s brain was not working fast enough to make sense of it. It settled, green pulsing warmly, beckoning for one of them to connect.  
Reaching out to the pulsing ‘heart’, Kaidan closed his eyes... and opened his mind. He could _feel_ the reaper reach into his mind, his feet lifting from the ground as a communication link was established. Expecting pain, Kaidan tensed but there was only a gentle caress, the reaper and his nano-circuitry effortlessly melding to deliver its information. It was ancient, something so very primal; its song so beautiful. It had experimented on so many species, knew so much, he couldn’t comprehend the amount of knowledge it possessed…

 _SHEPARD_.

Kaidan didn’t notice Tali, didn’t notice when his feet hit the ground or when his eyes opened. The information was there, what it told him. It was impossible and yet…

The light vanished.

Tali ignored it. “Kaidan! Kaidan, are you alright!?”

For a moment he was unresponsive to her touch, mind still connected to that ancient force. Then, Kaidan blinked. His hearing returned first, though it was difficult to transform the sounds into words. Turning towards the other being, Kaidan frowned, struggling to place who they were.

 _Tali,_ his mind whispered. He smiled, then groaned as the reaper’s presence removed itself from his consciousness. The break from something so vast, so indescribable... Kaidan staggered from its loss.

“Kaidan! If you don’t talk to me soon, I swear…”

“It’s alright Tali.” Kaidan was still a little dazed, but there would be time to evaluate the consequences later. For right now…

A dais formed in front of them, the creation smooth and seamless; inside something moved like liquid, shimmering mercury. Kaidan reached out for it, just a touch. “It’s a gift,” he murmured.

“Kaidan? What are you doing!”

“It’s Shepard,” he rasped. “It’s _Maric_!”

“ _Keelah_ , what are you talking about?”

Instead of answering, Kaidan pointed. The dais was transmuting itself, gleaming and twisting into an actual shape. Tali frowned as it settled into a small, black box. “What is that?”

Kaidan picked it up, so gently, cradling it like a child. He smiled at Tali, “They saved him.”

“I repeat, what are you talking about?” She crossed her arms, unwilling to step towards it.

“The reapers. What they showed me,” he frowned, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. “It was amazing. Can I show you too?”

The question hung heavy in the air between them, Tali’s hesitation was clear. But, she remembered her dream, Maric reaching out for her. And so, she nodded, stepping into Kaidan’s hold and pressing her forehead against his, accepting what may come.

\---

“You want to do _what_ with my ship?”

Kaidan just lifted an eyebrow at the irate pilot.

Joker held his hands up, placating the other, “Seriously though Kaidan, let’s step back a little here. You want to install this piece of reaper technology _in_ the Normandy’s AI core?”

“It's not reaper tech, it’s - ”

“Yeh you’ve said, it’s apparently Shepard.” Joker sighed, hands rubbing his face. “Help me out here EDI.”

“I believe Jeff is correct, Colonel. It would be unwise to install any untested piece of equipment without analysing it first.”

Kaidan turned to the AI, considering, then nodded. “Scan it for viruses, anomalies, anything you want then. But I’m telling you, Maric’s consciousness is inside that thing.”

EDI nodded, taking the small box out of Kaidan’s hands. She carried it carefully, treating it with the same reverence that Kaidan had.

“I will run all possible diagnostics Colonel, and get back to you with the results.”

Kaidan sighed, hand rubbing the back of his neck, massaging the implant. If not for the nano-circuitry, he would have probably be getting a L2-induced migraine by now. Vaguely, he wondered if what he was feeling now, was the ghost of that pain, or genuine stress.

He almost flinched at Tali’s gentle touch on his shoulder, despite having been expecting it.

“Come on. We have a date with Chakwas,” she murmured.

Nodding, he followed her lead. The doctor would have her own diagnostics to run on them. Hopefully, their new synthetic bodies would prevent indoctrination. Kaidan grimaced; if not then they’d just have to deal with it.


	4. Rebirth; 2

_Where am I?_

_Am I alive? Is this a dream?_

_No, I’m dead...I’m a fucking dead man. How am I even thinking? Fuck..._

_I’m trapped...get me out. Get me out!! Kaidan! Tali! Hurry, please! I’m trapped and I can’t get out! I’m trapped in the darkness and I can’t wake up!_

_…_

_Please...hurry..._

_...I’m trapped in myself. I’m a dead man with a mind that can think._

_Why I am here? Where the fuck is this?_

_..._

_I must be dead._

_Why can I still think?_

_Maybe...maybe they think I’m dead and if_ that’s _true...then why not just put an end to this suffering? Can’t they hear these screams?_

_..._

_...nobody pays any attention._

_…_

_Kaidan!_

_…_

_Tali!_

_...Why won’t anybody help me?_

\---

Sensation came back in a rush. It was like a roar of _perception_ ; roaring, shrieking, moaning. He wanted to scream, or howl at the absurdity of _feeling_.

Maric tried to stretch his arms out, but there weren’t any. He was abruptly both more and less a man. What was this new hell?

_SHEPARD_

What the fuck was that? He frowned, or tried to. Would have, if he had had a face.

_CAN YOU HEAR ME SHEPARD_

Fuck, there it was again... what the hell was happening?

_DO NOT BE ALARMED SHEPARD. ALL WILL BE MADE CLEAR SOON_

That was it. He was obviously insane. This long, floating body-less in the damn void...yeh, that would drive anyone insane.

_NORMANDY INTEGRATION COMING ONLINE NOW_

What the…

WAKE UP SHEPARD

\---

The dream ended abruptly, and Maric was shaken back into reality. He woke up.

For a moment, he had no idea what was happening. He had no idea where he was or how he got there. Then, everything seemed to be processed at once.

That was a wall, that thing there was a ceiling, that’s a chair...the thing that was in the _corner_ was a person...who…?

He was in the Normandy.

IN

THE

_NORMANDY_

“Commander Shepard. Maric. I am limiting your scope of the ship for the moment.”

Whose voice was that? And abruptly, he _knew._

“ _EDI?_ ” Maric’s voice came out over the Normandy’s ship-wide communication system. It was eerie to hear his voice echoing all over the ship. “ _Is that you?_ ”

“It is me, Shepard,” EDI replied, her metallic fingers rapidly moving over the holo-screen. “Your consciousness has been transferred into the Normandy’s mainframe, via your synaptic connections. How are you feeling?”

“ _Feeling? I... is this really happening?_ ”

“Yes Shepard. For the moment, I will be able to connect my own mind to the mainframe and guide you through integrating your own consciousness throughout the ship.”

“ _Oo...okay._ ”

“He’s back,” Kaidan whispered. Abruptly he felt his knees give way, strong hands steadying him.

“He really is _tachi_ ,” Tali murmured back.

“I’m going to bring your consciousness online within this immediate room Maric. Prepare yourself.” EDI

_“I don’t understand what’s happening…”_ Maric sounded almost...panicked. Tali clutched Kaidan’s arm, and he took her hand, squeezing it tightly. “ _Kaidan? Tali?”_

“We’re here Maric,” Tali called out, but EDI shook her head.

“He can’t hear you yet. Bringing Shepard fully online.”

Kaidan gasped. It was like Maric had set up shop in the back of his mind. A quick glance at Tali showed him, that Maric had down the same with her.

“ _You’re here...I’m not alone!_

Shepard’s joy was infectious, though it didn’t take much for Kaidan and Tali to be grinning at that moment. For the moment, the three simply shared _being_. Their emotions and thoughts, moving together, faster than what mere conversation could produce. In a moment, Maric shared his fears, his loneliness and Tali, Kaidan, reciprocated, showering their link with all the love that they could manage.

“Hmmmm, interesting,” EDI murmured. “It appears that Shepard has established a connection outside the mainframe of the Normandy on his own. Though where, I cannot tell...”

“He’s here with us, EDI,” Tali smiled, interjecting.

“But how? He shouldn’t have been able to do that. At least, not without assistance.” The synthetic looked troubled.

“I don’t know,” Kaidan walked to the holographic display, smiling at it. “But that’s Maric, always doing what you least expect.”

_”Don’t talk about me like I’m not here…”_ Maric’s voice echoes through their station, amusement projecting through the newly-established bond. Just like EDI before him, a spherical holographic display appears, but red. It reminded Kaidan of the cybernetic tissue that had suffused the commander’s body before his death.

“Welcome back Shepard,” EDI walked to the hologram. “We have been expecting you.”

“ _Thanks EDI, it’s been...a hell of a trip. Now, where the fuck am I? And not that I’m complaining but how the fuck can I have Kaidan and Tali in my head?”_

Kaidan snorted, shaking his head. It was a bit much to take on board, and he didn’t really know how to put it into words himself, “It’s gonna be a hell of a debrief Maric.”

“You’re onboard the Normandy Maric.”

_“Did we win? What happened to the reapers?”_

“Yes, we did, Maric. The reapers...well, they’re helping us to rebuild.” Tali hesitated, the idea that the enemy he had tried so hard to defeat was still living. And not just living, but helping to repair the damage and mass relays? It would be a lot to take on board.

“ _What?_ ” Maric sounded shocked. Tali was about to explain further but was interrupted. “ _More of that later, where the fuck is my body? And isn’t that just a fucked up question…_ ”

“To be honest, we don’t know Maric. The Crucible was...is, partially destroyed. We were unable to recover...you.” Kaidan cringed a little at that, the reminder that while Maric was back, he wasn’t quite… _back_.

“ _Wow...this is a little fucked up. I hope you know that.”_ The harsh words were belayed by the chuckle that came after them.

“Yeh, but it's worth it to have you back.” Tali grasped Kaidan’s hand, squeezing it lightly.

EDI had moved back over to the console, fingers tapping efficiently. “Integration across the Normandy is almost complete.”

Tali smiled. “Come _tachi_ , EDI will be a while yet with him. For the next phase, Maric needs to be able to concentrate.”

Kaidan opened his mouth, wanting to argue but when he looked at Tali’s face, his mouth snapped closed.

That was not an expression one argued with.Maric’s new presence bubbled at the edge of his mind, urging him to follow her and take care of himself.

“I’ll be fine Kaidan. This is going to take some getting used to. We can talk in the cabin later.”

Casting a mournful look behind him, Kaidan let himself be led out of the war room.

\---

Within a short amount of time with EDI, Shepard gained control over several key systems of the Normandy. He was using the same holographic projectors that EDI used to use, giving the crew some sense of how to interact with him without a body.

“ _How long was I gone this time?_ ” Maric’s voice came synthesised over the cabin’s com system. That was the first thing he gained control over; no longer did his voice echo across the ship.

The question made Kaidan winced. Instead of answering, the biotic threw back the glass of whiskey he’d been savouring, the liquid burning its way down his throat.

“It's been a few months _tachi_ ,” Tali murmured, looking at the holographic display. “Long enough that the major damage caused by the reaper war has been mostly mitigated.”

“ _And the reapers?_ ”

“The reaper flagships have actually been helping repair the mass relays.” Kaidan chuckled darkly. “None of us could believe it at first, but when the Charon Relay came back online...well, suddenly we had access to the rest of the galaxy again.”

“Yes,” Tali frowned. “The destruction of the relays was problematic and unforeseen. Quarian and Turian ration supplies were running low, cut-off from our homeworlds…”

There was no reply from Shepard, but the holographic display flickered, a sign of his concentration.

Kaidan cast a quick look at Tali in worry, frowning at the silence. She shook her head, signalling to him not to worry. There were bound to be teething problems in Maric’s control over the Normandy systems.

It hadn’t been either of their ideas to upload his consciousness to the Normandy. It had been EDI’s conclusion upon her analysis of the reaper tech they had brought back. Kaidan had actually been against integrating Maric’s consciousness at first but Tali talked him into it. But he agreed, when he remembered that Shepard’s mind had previously been uploaded to the Geth Consensus. If EDI could help Shepard’s mind adjust in the same way...

The sound of his voice startled the two, “ _And you two walked into a fucking reaper to get me?_ ”

“Umm...yes?” Kaidan suddenly felt sheepish. The risk had been great but the possibility of regaining _Shepard…_

“It was a calculated risk.”

“ _Calculated my ass... what about fucking indoctrination? Have you two even been to medical yet?_ ”

Kaidan resisted rolling his eyes. “Yes, _mother_. It was the second thing we did. Chakwas said everything was normal, psych tests and physicals all normal.”

“As for indoctrination, well... the Crucible had another side-effect that nobody anticipated.”

“ _Side-effect?_ ” Maric’s voice was hesitant. Not for the first time, Kaidan found himself wondering about what happened up there.

Tali nodded, “Yes, the Crucible firing seems to have infused all life with synthetic circuitry. As far as we can tell, it's been embedded at a cellular level. Everyone is now, partly synthetic.”

“ _Fuck…_ ”

“Maric... can you even remember what happened on the Crucible?” Kaidan finally decided to broach the elephant in the room.

“ _No... I can remember Anderson... struggling to reach the control room on the Citadel. The citadel was... different. Like nowhere I’d ever seen, like the reapers had mutated it or something. So many bodies Kaidan, Tali. Keepers too._ ” Maric paused again, the hologram flickering. “ _I’m glad you weren’t there... that’s something I wish I could forget…_ ”

Kaidan shared a quick glance with Tali. Just more questions it seemed.

“ _I can’t remember much after reaching Anderson. Just... pain._ ”

Both Kaidan and Tali shared a flash of guilt at that. They had been with Maric on the final run... if not for that damn tank exploding, they would have been with him, supporting him. Instead, Maric had been forced to go on alone.

Well, not anymore.

The chuckle that came over the speakers, broke their morbid reverie. “ _So... Colonel Alenko eh?_ ”

“Yeh,” Kaidan snorted, pouring himself another shot of whiskey. “Not sure how much I deserve that to be honest.”

“ _Don’t give me that shit Kaidan. That rank was earned with your blood._ ” Maric’s voice was steady, “ _Though... here I am... saving the galaxy twice, and I’m still just good ol’ commander Shepard._ ”

“Actually, they promoted you posthumously,” Tali’s eyes twinkled. “Congratulations, _Captain_ Shepard.”

“...are you serious?”

“Yeh, guess they thought you deserved it or something.” Kaidan snorted, shaking his head.

“ _Heh, well then._ ” Maric’s voice was dark, almost amused. “ _I guess we should celebrate_ …”

Maric’s presence in the back of his head went static for a second, nothing but white noise. Then, it felt like his voice was _everywhere_. Kaidan winced for a moment, uncomfortably reminded of his L2 headaches, feeling an apology from the man, the ‘volume’ lessening.

Then they were -connected-.

Their minds touched each other, open to each in ways that he still didn’t understand but accepted. When Tali gasped at the same time he did, Kaidan understood. Maric was still here. He was still with them, even if his body was dust, his mind completed them. He never thought it could be like this. It was like Shepard was alive again, more than just the synthesised voice resonating throughout the Normandy.

Here, it was just the three of them. As it should be.

_“Hmmm...there is something I’ve wondering actually...”_ That synthetic voice seemed to purr and both Kaidan and Tali gasped at the same time. If someone ever thought it necessary to ask them, both Kaidan and Tali would have sworn that it felt like Maric was there with them, touching them, holding them.

In fact, he could practically see the man’s grin, as a bolt of lust drove its way through his body, stirring his cock.

“ _Show me Kaidan_.” Maric’s voice was dark, gravelly, Kaidan shivering as if he whispered into the shell of his ear, rather than buzzing pleasantly in his mind. He gasped as Maric manipulated the hair on his back, skin reacting as if a hand had stroked him. “ _Show Tali. Show us that glorious cock of yours.”_

Kaidan moaned slightly, rocking back on his heels. Tali smirked at him; he knew Maric was whispering to her as well.

His hand dips below his pants, teasing himself. Releasing his cock, it stood proudly, the head a glistening purple as it peeked out from under its foreskin. Tali licked her lips at the sight; Kaidan could practically _feel_ her belly clenching at the thought of him being inside her.

“ _Show me what you can do to her now, Kaidan,_ ” Maric whispered into his mind. A shudder ran along Kaidan’s spine as the smug bastard somehow manipulated the nerves around his implant; still an erogenous zone for him despite the melding. Kaidan felt the ghost of his lover’s tongue graze it and he whimpered at the phantom sensations. Pre-cum dripped from his cock, and he opened his eyes to meet Tali’s.

'She’s so beautiful,' he thought.

Tali was on the bed, her soft ass in the air. Lavender skin and hardened dermoid plates that shimmered with green; they no longer had to worry about cross-species contamination.

“ _…Taken your antibiotics?_ ” Maric purred.

Easing himself onto the bed, Kaidan stalked towards Tali, hoping to have her pleasure once more. When Maric had been here in the flesh, Tali always had made the most glorious noise that went straight to his groin. It had been a breathy gasp of pure pleasure at being penetrated. Back then, they had been restricted by her biology and immune system; now he had no such barrier to contend with.

“Side-effect,” Tali gasped, “No need to worry anymore.”

“I wanna hear you,” Kaidan murmured to Tali, kissing his way up her back. His cock hung heavy, teasing her and he reached a finger down to test how ready she was.

Together they moaned as Kaidan’s finger only found slick arousal, Tali almost growling as she thrust her hips back to his groin, hoping to catch his cock to slide it inside herself.

“ _Uh huh Tali_ ,” Maric cooed. “Good girls have to wait.”

“ _Bosh’tet,_ she groaned but followed the instruction.

“ _Tease her Kaidan_ ,” Maric whispered into his mind. “ _Tease her with that big lovely cock of yours._ ”

A pantomime of lips caressed his neck, the ghost of Maric’s hand caressed his cock and Kaidan found himself thrusting towards Tali’s entrance. Heeding himself, he stopped and rubbed the head against her slick entrance, enjoying the pretty moans and begging coming from her.

Soon Kaidan joined her begging, both of them begging their lover’s permission to copulate.

“ _Mmmmm, do it. Fuck her. Slide that fucking glorious cock inside her tiny cunt._ ”

Doing as Maric bid, he eased himself inside with such deliberate slowness, shuddering at the feeling of Tali opening up around him. As he pushed in, he heard it; that perfect, breathy gasp from the quarian below him. His stomach clenched and Kaidan had to grip the base of his cock to stop himself from cumming then and there. Tali was moaning, begging and whimpering with her desire.

Regaining control, he didn’t stop until he was hilted, filling Tali to the brim. He pressed every inch of himself around and inside her, lounging across her back as he kissed her neck. Her tendrils spread and flicked, sensations flooding her system.

_Something_ brushed his prostate and Kaidan yelped, not expecting the sensation. He moaned as the stimulation continued, but his ass clenched around nothing.

“Shep…Shepard!” he cried, realisation flooding him as he continued to fuck himself into Tali. The man’s bloody chuckle was maddening throughout his mind; despite having no corporeal body, the commander was obviously enjoying watching his partners together. Though, with their connection, the absence of the third body was barely noticeable.

They’ve just begun, and he was close already, panting heavily as his dick slid deep inside her slick heat. Having Maric stimulating him inside as he fucked Tali, combined with the fact that it had been a while since anything touched him there sexually, it was driving him towards completion faster than normal.

Tali cried out, Maric stimulating her as well and she clenched down around him, reaching her peak. “Yes! Kaidan, oh god...Maric! Please, there!”

Kaidan was not far behind, the thought that Maric was manipulating both their bodies, making him tumble over the edge.

Together they gasped their orgasms, someone was saying “I love you,” but it didn’t matter who, the statement echoed through the three of them.

The trio was reunited; the lack of a third body was irrelevant for the moment. Kaidan couldn’t keep the silly smile off his face, his happiness flooding the bond between the trio. The joy was mutual however, the bond between them singing. Each could feel the other’s minds lapping at the edges, their selves separate and yet, together at the same time.

Maric was back with them. As it should be.

And the bed didn’t feel quite so empty anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some quotes from “Johnny got his Gun.”


	5. Rebirth; 3

Some people would call Maric’s current existence lonely, but he really was not. Like this, a purely conscious entity, he was connected to anyone that entered the Normandy.

Philosophically, he had no idea if he was really _‘Maric Shepard’;_ earthborn punk, Butcher of Torfan, Saviour of the Galaxy. So many questions laid with ‘how’ he got to this state; the reapertech that created him provided no answers. Was this a simple transfer of identity from his destroyed physical body into that box? Or was he a simple copy of the person known as Maric Shepard? No one knew.

EDI adapted the way his consciousness interacted with the Normandy’s software, creating some filters, essentially making him the AI of the Normandy. In fact, she used her very own processors and the remaining VI coding to do it. If pressed to describe how he ‘felt’, Maric would liken it to his experience of the geth consensus; a virtual interface where his ‘body’ was able to interact with various consoles that symbolised the numerous functions of the war ship. He still felt human despite technically dying. Again.

Though therein lay the problem; he had no physical body.

Maric vaguely mused that he should be more freaked out by that fact. He just couldn't _feel_ much at all. He was merely observing the world, only truly feeling connected when Kaidan or Tali interacted with him. And even that was stunted.

_“So, tell me your opinion Karin.”_

The doctor nodded thoughtfully. “I’ve been looking into cognitive neuroscience, basically how biological processes interact and influence the conscious mind.”

_“Go on…”_

“Technically there is no neural activity happening with your consciousness Shepard,” EDI piped up as she entered the room. “You also have no bodily organs in which to interact with your brain functions. Without that, there is nothing to influence your perception, cognition or in this case, emotions.”

_“So what does that mean for me?”_

“According to our research Shepard, emotions are basically created when the brain reacts to external physical stimuli. You are unable to interact on a physical level, therefore, you cannot experience true emotions,” EDI replied.

Maric considered it for a moment, _“Then why do I still feel for Kaidan and Tali? That hasn’t changed.”_

“Doctor Chakwas and I have considered this also, Shepard. From what we can tell, this is a result from reactions originating within your mind map; you appear to be able to generate some degree of empathy.”

“Uh huh.”

“Shepard...I know you don’t consider this a major issue exactly,” Chakwas seemed unusually hesitant. “But we must bring to your attention some of the more practical risks associated with conditions similar to yours.”

_“How the hell has there been anything similar to this?”_

“There isn’t.” Chakwas let herself chuckle dryly. “The technology the reapers used to store your, well, ’soul’ for lack of a better term, is unique to you Shepard.”

EDI pulled up some medical records on her omni-tool, sending them to Maric to read later. “Research into neuroscience suggests that patients with damage to their frontal lobes, lack normal emotional responses. Just like you, they are able to engage in completely rational arguments but can utterly fail to avoid situations involving unnecessary risks.”

_“Well gee, thanks.”_

“The problem Shepard, is you are currently incapable of social feelings or emotions; sympathy. Shame. Pride. These emotions form the foundation for our morality. The consequences of us leaving you within the Normandy’s virtual interface could be disastrous for you Shepard.”

_“Are you implying that I’ll go insane if I am left here?”_

“No, not insane exactly. But that disconnect you are already experiencing, it will continue to make you distant, until the point of completely distancing yourself from all living creatures. The repercussions...someone who does not have a conscience, in full command of a war ship...”

_“So, how do you suggest we fix this?”_

“I may have a solution for your unique problem Shepard.”

Chakwas raised one of her eyebrows. “We haven’t discussed that. What are you talking about EDI?”

“I conducted a search through some Cerberus files, databases with information collected during the Reaper War. There wasn’t time to analyse it before, nor did I quite know what to search for - ”

_“EDI…the point please.”_

“The clone that attacked Shepard on the citadel was not the only one. There were in fact, many clone bodies that were grown across several Cerberus facilities. If we were to get a hold of one of these bodies, there is a possibility to install Shepard’s consciousness, allowing him to regain his life. In fact, we could also access Project Overlord’s files to - ”

 _“No,”_ Shepard’s voice echoes over the intercom. _“I can’t allow that.”_

“Maric, we haven’t even tried anything yet - ”

_“No, and that’s final.”_

Chakwas frowned. It wasn’t like Maric to not even consider something as an option. Nevertheless, she made a mental note to have EDI forward the files to Alenko and Tali’Zorah. Perhaps they would be able to convince him.

\---

“Please Maric, at least consider it. Let’s have a look at the data and see what we can make of it.” Kaidan didn’t really care that he sounded like he was begging. He wanted, no, needed Shepard back in the flesh, especially now that it was a possibility.

 _“What if this clone is like the other one? What if I’m stealing_ his _life just to live my own? Isn’t that just selfish of me?”_

“At least let us see if there is a clone at all damnit!” Kaidan was growing frustrated. Maric didn’t listen, wouldn't _even_ consider it.

“Maric…” Tali started but was swiftly interrupted.

_“Should I really be given a third chance at life? Three times more than what anyone else has had…”_

Kaidan closed his eyes, ignoring the way his heart pounded in his chest. Fuck, for all this time, all the odds that they faced down and won, the one thing he hadn’t counted on was _Shepard._ Tali noticed his discomposure, setting an arm down on his. He was grateful but even her presence couldn’t dull the building tension.

“I mean, I don’t even know what I am. I know I asked this on the assault on Cronus Station, but this time it makes even more sense. We don’t know if I’m well…me. Is this a copy of Maric’s brain? I mean, I literally remember feeling my flesh and body being torn apart! What the fuck am I?”

“Maric please!” Tali gave up on trying to be calm, trying to reason with him. Now it was just a matter of trying to _talk,/i > to him._

_“Am I just a really damn good VI? Or maybe even an AI that thinks it’s Maric Shepard? What about if I’m just fucking reaper tech, waiting for a time to - ”_

“Shepard!” Kaidan lost his temper, flaring his biotics as he did so. “Fuck…Shepard…” He didn’t care if he was whining like a wounded animal, his heart felt like it was about to burst out of his chest. He gasped, “I can’t do this right now…”

But where could he go? The Normandy _was,/i > Maric now._

The last thing he heard before he hit the deck, was Tali’s voice rising in worry. Maric was trying to connect with him, trying to find out what was happening, but instead, Kaidan shut down his emotions, just as his head shut down itself.

\---

Kaidan blinked, confused for a moment. What was he doing on the floor?

“Tali? Maric?” he croaked. “What’s going on?”

_“I think it’s my fault Kaidan. I’m sorry.”_

Kaidan winced as the memories came back. Tali gently supported him, emotions broadcasting her concern.

“Keep still _Tachi_ , you took quite a fall there. You had us worried.”

_“Look, if it’s worrying you that much Kaidan, I won’t talk about it…”_

Kaidan felt a burst of shame bolt through him. “Maric please, it’s alright.” He hung his head, ignoring the look Tali flashed him. “I’m sorry. I’ve never actually... felt like that... before.”

He sighed, the apprehension and consternation running through him still. He spoke slowly, choosing his words carefully. “Shepard, I’ll say this to you; the very fact you’re concerned about these things, tells me that you’re Maric.”

_“I…”_

“You don’t have to explain yourself.” He frowned at Tali, her face reflecting his own emotions. Their eyes flashed at their connection, “I’m sorry I don’t have any answers for you.”

_“I doubt we ever will…”_

No, it was becoming clear they wouldn’t get answers but that had never stopped them before.


	6. Rebirth; 4

EDI was amazing.

Within a short amount of time, she had managed to sort through their old mission reports and extrapolated data on possible Cerberus facilities located throughout the galaxy. Several of the cloning facilities had been found, but cross-referencing it with reaper attacks had left very few possibilities.

With the narrowed down list, each planet was visited and carefully scanned for suspicious ship activity or high power use around old Cerberus bases.

Sanctum in the Decoris System was proving to be a promising lead. It was well-known that Cerberus had been involved in the planet’s finances before the Reaper War, plus Kaidan and Shepard had raided a Cerberus laboratory there _during_ the war. The Alliance attempted to quietly urge the corporate mining companies previously stationed there to stop inadvertently working with the Illusive Man, but their financial bickering had proven more important.

Now the planet was a graveyard; remains of mining projects scattered throughout the frozen tundra, mercenaries driven away by the reaper bombardments. The thin strip of habitable land along the equator was promising though. A scan showed a possible facility in one of the few tropical areas; well hidden amongst the dense foliage. Kaidan doubted that they would have been able to locate it without EDI’s precise calculations.

_“I still don’t agree with this.”,/i >_

“It’s gonna be fine Maric,” Kaidan double checked the seals on his helmet, noting Tali doing the same.

_“Why didn’t we find this facility the last time we were here?”_

“Guess we were a little too busy with, you know, the reapers.”

_“...don’t get snarky with me, mister.”_

Tali snorted at their banter. She had missed this, and she knew that one of the reasons for Maric’s annoyance, was that his partners would be leaving the Normandy, without him. Maric could protect them while they were onboard. Here, outside...she knew he wouldn’t admit it, but it made him nervous not being able to protect their six. Though, just between her and Maric, they might have a temporary solution for that.

\---

The shuttle landed just outside the abandoned facility. Tali and Kaidan strode out cautiously, guns cocked and ready. They needn’t have bothered.

It was a gaunt shell of what it had been.The overgrown branches covered the entrance as if warning them away. Kaidan frowned as he took in the porous roof; water damage to the interior was expected. He shuddered as the wind howled around what’s left the structure.

“Reminds me of Pragia,” Tali murmured.

“Where?”

“Another old Cerberus facility. It was where Cerberus ran their tests on Jack, when she was a child.”

Kaidan grimaced. He knew that his L2 implant had been harsh, but he considered himself lucky when he compared himself to the other biotic. What Jack had gone through...Kaidan still had no idea how she had even considered coming on board the Normandy SR-2 when it was flying Cerberus colours. He knew he couldn’t have and had proven that on Horizon...

Tali broke his train of thought when she sent an electronic drone in to assess the ruins. He watched as the drone lit the area in orange light; it’s scans revealed the grimy interior, remnants of shattered glass, the very foundation crumbling. Already, greenery had become invasive, twisting throughout the broken walls. The drone’s work was swift, flitting from place to place, assessing the damage and stability.

“Ah, we have our way in,” Tali patched the drone’s findings into Kaidan’s omni-tool. He smiled; the stairway to the lower levels was relatively intact.

“Big place,” he murmured, gaining a chuckle from Tali. “Come on, let’s see what we can find.”

Moving forward, they were careful to avoid the various pitfalls littered around the derelict building. There might not be any enemies, but it was still dangerous.

Kaidan startled when the drone beeped at him. Looking down, he noticed the loose bit of debris he had almost walked over; the drop below was considerable.

“No one tell Shepard that the drone just saved me a broken leg, okay?”

“…so this may be a good time to tell you about Maric-bot,” Tali responded dryly.

“Maric-bot?”

The little drone zoomed over and beeped at Kaidan, nudging him lightly and almost affectionately. He sighed, rubbing his forehead slightly. “So he found a way to come along after all.”

“It was Maric’s idea.”

“Of course it was Maric’s idea,” Kaidan groaned under his breath.

The drone beeped happily. Kaidan eyed it sideways, then sighed. It was actually kind of…cute? Then he looked closer at it.

“Is that a miniature M-920 Cain? You,” Kaidan snorted, “made a virtual copy of one...”

Tali’s amusement tickled the back of Kaidan’s mind. Rolling his eyes, he motioned for them to continue. They had a lot of ground to cover and only two of them to do it with.

\---

Simply put, it was amazing the generators were still running. The lower levels were mostly intact, despite the damage sustained above. However, there had been a noticeable temperature drop the further down they went. The walls slowly changed from once-polished steel, to naked rock. It was a maze of rooms, each lined with computer equipment, various laboratories and training areas. There was cold, bare concrete floor and exposed wires hanging from the walls and their footfalls seemed unnaturally loud in the silence.

Maric-bot and their flashlights did an admirable job of trying to pierce the gloom, but the chambers and rooms remained stubbornly dark. Once upon a time, every inch of the facility would have been monitored by security cameras. That time had long passed.

Finally, they came upon a room that was different from the rest. Low level lighting still worked, the computers diligently working in the absence of personnel. What caught their interest however, was the single capsule situated at the center of the room. Maric-bot beeped and scanned the room. No hostile presence.

A thin film of dust lay on everything, and Tali walked up to the nearest console, wiping the dust away. She summoned the holographic keyboard, while Kaidan walked closer to the pod. Stepping over the piping attached to it, the biotic attempted to look inside. It was dark, and despite brushing off the dust, it remained so.

“Bringing systems online,” Tali warned. “Brace yourself. I tried to take any security systems offline but I may have missed something.”

Nodding, Kaidan unholstered his assault rifle, flaring his biotics in preparation. Maric-bot whirred, circling both of them protectively. It still didn’t quite prepare them though.

The lights in the entire room lit up, revealing the room in its entirety. Though that wasn’t what held their attention; inside the pod had also lit up.

“ _Keelah si-lai_ , is that…?”

Kaidan swallowed. It was. It really was!

For the first time in _months_ , Kaidan was looking at Maric. It was his body in that vat, but it was new, no markings, none of the tattoos that marked the man’s skin. No scars either; it was strange to find Maric's almost trademark red cracks gone, leaving only baby smooth skin, a shimmery green lining them instead.

The drone flew above Kaidan’s head, whirring. It seemed agitated.

Kaidan patched the Normandy in through the link with Maric-bot, “Objective achieved. Send down the retrieval squad.”

EDI replied through his helmet, “Acknowledged Colonel.”

Smiling, Kaidan looked at the clone through the window. “I can’t believe we found you,” he murmured. He reached out to touch the glass, where just behind, the body of his sweetheart lay. Tali checked the console attached to the pod.

“Hmmm, let’s see here,” she murmured, tapping the buttons and calling up different screens. Their joy swirled together, pulsing brightly in each other’s minds, threatening to drown each other in happiness. Tali closed her mind off slightly, so she could concentrate on the reports she’s meant to be reading. “I’m no Chakwas, but it seems vitals are stable on the clone. All systems healthy and strong.”

Maric’s voice came directly through Kaidan and Tali’s communicators. _“I don’t like it.”_

“Huh?”

_“That’s not me.”_

Kaidan and Tali shared a confused look. What was he talking about?

“Of course it’s you Maric, it's your body, made from your DNA. How could it be anything _but_ you?”

_“It looks nothing like me!”_

Kaidan looked directly at the clone, then sighed. He wanted nothing more than to be able to physically hold Shepard, to kiss Maric’s lips and to see his gorgeous features alive again.

But it wasn’t his decision to make.

Ignoring the tears that welled in his eyes, the feeling of hopelessness from Tali, he nodded at the bot. “At least, let’s at least take the clone to the Normandy. Let EDI or Chakwas run some tests, see what condition it… _he_ , is in.”

Tali rested her hand on his shoulder, her disappointment was clear too.

The drone beeped affirmatively, then disappeared, leaving the room a little darker.


	7. Life; 1

The clone had been retrieved from the facility and was currently in the medbay. Chakwas was waiting for them and had ordered the clone removed from the pod immediately. Seeing Maric’s body lying in the medbay made Kaidan’s heart clench, reminding him of all the times they had cut things a little too close in missions.

The pod itself was stored in the port cargo bay with Tali conducting checks on the technology used with EDI. It was reminiscent of the time Grunt’s tank had been brought on board. Though, there was no way for Kaidan to know of that, Chakwas mused. “Initiating physical examination.”

“I wish he’d at least talk about it Karin,” Kaidan muttered as Chakwas examined the clone’s body, omni tool out and scanning.

“He’s always been stubborn Kaidan.” Chakwas smiled at the Colonel. It was easy to see the man was worried but it was nice to see the concern rather than the depressive spiral he had been falling into. Even though Tali had been by his side, the hole that Maric had left had been considerable. Especially since it had been the man’s second death.

Kaidan had hid it well, buried his emotions behind outward calm but Chakwas had known the man since the SR-1. She had seen all too easily the extent of how he was hurting. She had offered her professional help, but Kaidan had shown his own stubborn streak and refused. Really, the boys were just as stubborn as each other. So Karin just sighed, and asked Tali to keep an eye on him.

Publicly the man was strong, stable, reliable. In private though, Karin was worried. Still was, even though technically, Maric was back with them.

“He’s just like you in that way.” Chakwas smiled at the undignified look Kaidan shot her.

“I’m nowhere near that bad.” The raised eyebrow from Chakwas made Kaidan chuckle. “You know, he said something similar to me once.”

“Oh?”

“Yeh, said I had always been stubborn. Thought it rather ironic at the time, considering who was saying it.”

“And now?” Chakwas was careful to keep her eyes on her task, trying not to sound hopeful that the man was finally opening up to her a little.

Kaidan didn’t answer for a few moments, thoughts drifting to the conversation he and Tali had had once back on the Normandy.

_“Can we talk about it at least?” Kaidan didn’t care that he was pleading. He wanted Maric back, in the flesh._

_“No. Simple as that.” ___

_Kaidan shuddered as he realised that he couldn't_ feel _the emotions from the other man. It was like Maric had put a brick wall up between them. Casting a glance at Tali, she caught his gaze and shrugged. He could feel her concern but she nodded. She had accepted, to some degree, Maric’s decision._

_He wished he could do the same._

The doctor let him think as she finished up the tests on the clone. It soon became clear the man wasn’t going to answer her. Karin repressed the urge to sigh. “Physical tests completed, beginning cognitive processing tests.”

Kaidan watched with interest; it was this particular test that would prove crucial as to whether they could even put Maric back together.

“Tests are completed, Colonel.”

Kaidan blinked, snapping to attention. “What are the results Doctor?”

“Well, the clone’s body is healthy; autonomic functions such as heart rate and rhythm, respiration, and gastrointestinal activity are normal. The tank provided sufficient clinically assisted nutrition and hydration, while it’s body shows the same nano-circuitry that we possess. Overall, there is only one issue.”

“What is it?” Kaidan resisted reaching out to touch the clone. No matter how it looked like Maric, for the moment, it was not.

“While the clone’s body is healthy, its brain is in a persistent vegetative state. It seems that, because of Cerberus being disbanded, and the clone abandoned, its brain shows symptoms similar to a neurodegenerative disorder. Simply put, because care was not provided, the neurons in the brain died.”

“So, the clone is...brain dead?”

“Not quite Colonel. See, a brain dead person is dead. Machines are required for the person to be able to breathe and for organs to function. In a vegetative state, patients can open their eyelids occasionally and demonstrate sleep-wake cycles, but completely lack cognitive function. They exist in a state of partial arousal rather than true awareness and are completely unresponsive to external stimuli.”

“Is there a chance that the clone can recover?”

Chakwas shook her head. “Due to extensive and irreversible brain damage, our patient is highly unlikely ever to achieve higher functions above a vegetative state. The chances of cognitive recovery are minimal Colonel.” She turned off her omni-tool, checking on the physical equipment keeping the clone physically healthy.

“Well that’s one moral dilemma dealt with, I suppose,” Kaidan murmured. “We won’t have a second clone trying to steal Maric’s identity.”

“No,” Chakwas smiled. “That is probably the only thing I can say is unlikely at this point, Colonel.”

Kaidan nodded. “Thank you Doctor. Keep me updated on any changes with the clone please.” Clenching his fist, Kaidan resisted touching the body laid out before him, then turned and left the med bay.

\---

Tali lay in the medbay, a mere few weeks after finding the clone. Chakwas said the quarian was going to be alright, but Kaidan still worried about her. It had been a close call, with Maric being physically unable to do anything and Kaidan being so far away. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, but he knew that Maric felt guilty.

She lay next to the clone, both breathing gently. Kaidan was sitting next to her, one hand holding her own, the other resting on her hand, caressing the spines there.

_“...that was close, wasn’t it?”_

Kaidan sighed. “Yeh. Yeh it was.”

_“I just...fuck. I’m so fucking sorry Kaidan.”_

The biotic perked up. For Maric to be _talking_ about his emotions...yeh, this had hit him pretty hard.

“Look...Maric. You know, it’s not exactly your fault right?”

_“How could it not be? I was there Kaidan, I saw the roof collapse, but I couldn’t do anything.”_

Kaidan nodded, “It’s alright. Tali wasn’t alone Maric, nor is she helpless.”

_“Yeh...but I was Kaidan. I was helpless and...fuck. I’ve never felt like that…”_

Kaidan looked over at the inert clone body. Standing, he walked over to it. With only the three of them in the medbay, it was a perfect time to ask. “So...tell me why Maric...why do you not want to return to us?”

_“You know...this clone is a brother of the one that attacked us on the Citadel?”_

“What?” Kaidan shot a look at the holographic display. “Why didn’t you tell us this earlier?”

_“I know you and Tali were doing your own research. So I decided to do my own.”_

Kaidan flushed. He thought they had been more subtle than that.

_“It's alright. I know you are concerned about me but I wanted to know more about Cerberus’ cloning projects. It seems Brooks was responsible for this clone too.”_

Frowning, Kaidan tried to follow just where Maric was taking this conversation. He knew that Maric wasn’t fond of the clone, thought of it as a separate entity to himself, refused to talk about it when asked...

_“I found Brooks took both clones with her once the Illusive Man gave the orders for their termination. She believed in them so much that she risked her life for them, Kaidan.”_

“Yeh, and then she tried to kill all of us.”

_“My point is Kaidan, am I any better?”_

The biotic blinked, the question taking him off guard. “What?”

_“That clone was a fully functioning human. The only thing keeping it from having a life was me. And well...us really.”_

Kaidan shook his head. “Maric, the only reason that clone could do all of that, was because of the neural implants Brooks put in its head.”

_“But it wanted to live Kaidan. And it couldn’t do that. Now though...this clone has a chance to live.”_

“No Maric, it really doesn’t. Didn’t you hear what Chakwas said?”

_“I did...and I can’t help but feel I’m the one trying to steal his life this time around.”_

“Maric...everything about this is different.” It took every ounce of Kaidan’s famed control, to keep his voice calm. “The only way this clone can live, is if you’re in his body. Think of it as a vessel for you to live in.”

_“Do you really want me, in some clone’s body?”_

Kaidan took another look at the clone’s body, lying inert in front of him. He reached out, for the first time, to touch that familiar face and smiled. “You already know the answer Maric.”

Maric was silent for a few moments. Kaidan sighed and wandered back to where Tali was lying and took her hand again. His other rubbed his forehead before frowning. He didn’t think he’d ever unlearn that particular mnemonic. Though the lack of L2 migraines was pretty good, he would trade it in an instant if it meant he could hold Shepard in his arms again. “It’s okay Maric, we’ll be fi-”

_“I’d have to get everything tattooed again.”_

Kaidan barked a relieved laugh. Maric was coming back to them! “I love you fucking dope.” Of all the things to be worried about, Kaidan hadn’t even thought about his partner’s tattoos. “Hell, if it means you’ll be there in person, I’ll even pay for them myself.”

_“I’ll hold you to that.”_

“So...we’ve been thinking…”

Maric laughed. _“Oh no, let’s hear it!”_

Kaidan couldn’t help but grin, remembering the last time that they’d had this conversation. “We were thinking about how we could actually get you back into your body.”

_“You mean, the clone’s body right?”_

“No,” Kaidan shook his head. “It’s your body now. Best to get used to thinking that.” He looked over at Maric’s body, he looked so peaceful there. “Anyway, remember the time you uploaded your consciousness into the Geth Consensus?”

_“Yeah, what of it?”_ Maric sounded intrigued. _“What are you planning Kaidan?”_

“We think that technology is still around, and well, we could use it to possibly download your mind into your body. I had a short chat with Tali, a few weeks ago when we found the clone’s body. She thinks, with the right help, it might be possible.”

Silence greeted his proposal. Kaidan sighed, leaning into Tali’s chest, resting his face there. Of all the times for Maric to get cold feet…

_“You know Kaidan, I’m surprised that you of all people would agree to be working with a geth.”_

“It’s for you Maric. For you, I would be willing to tear down the universe.” A ghost of a kiss passed over Kaidan’s lips, making him smile.

“And for me?” Tali’s croaky voice made Kaidan perk up. He leaned in to kiss her gently, aware of her injuries.

“For you, I would do the same.” He smiled at the love that Tali sent his way, pulsing in the back of his mind. Then, finally, Maric joined with them. Kaidan closed his eyes, basking in the warmth of his loves.

_“Tali...I’m…”_ Maric paused. Kaidan could feel the man’s hurt, his perception of failure. _“I’m sorry.”_

“It’s alright Maric,” Tali smiled. She knew what those words cost him. “Shall we talk of this plan?”

Kaidan frowned. “Are you sure you’re up to it? I mean, you did just have a building fall on top of you.”

The quarian laughed softly, “Had worse than that Kaidan. Besides, I think the medi-gel is kicking in.”

_“You rest up Tali. Let Kaidan and I handle the arrangements.”_

Kaidan nodded. “I agree.” He gave her a soft kiss, before refocusing. “Like you said, we were looking into it.” He smiled, crossing his arms, then leaned back against the spare bed. “We’ve got a geth specialist who is willing to help.”

_“What? Already?”_

“Yes,” Tali grinned, despite her lingering pain. Her spiny ‘hair’ flared slightly in anticipation. “All we have to do is send an invitation, and it’ll be here.”

_“What, really? Just like that? I didn’t think it’d be that...quick.”_

“While you were going through your moral dilemma for the past few weeks, I got in contact with a geth who will be able to assist us. It’s name is Synchronise, and together we were able to devise a solid plan on how we’re gonna accomplish this transfer.” She ignored the wry chuckle coming from the speakers. “We both think that the technology used to upload Shepard to the geth consensus, can be reverse-engineered to download him into his body.”

Kaidan nodded thoughtfully. “Really? Well that's good news.”

Tali nodded, “Ready Maric?”

_“As I’ll ever be.”_


	8. Life; 2

_This is wrong._

Maric stood in front of the mirror in the Normandy’s cabin, examining every inch of the new face and body.

_This isn’t me._

A hand touched…him. It had no scars, it was missing marks that he’d earned through years of blood and combat. The skin was too smooth, clear from the ink that used to decorate it. He ignored the green shimmer for the moment, the way it contrasted with his dark skin. For the moment, the repercussions from the Crucible did not concern him. If anything, it was comforting, marked him as part of something.

But this body...it was different from when Cerberus resurrected him; this wasn’t _him_ …this wasn’t his body. At least back then...it was still _him_. Now it was a stranger staring back. A stranger with green eyes instead of blue. It was creepy when the face behind the mirror copied his movements.

_Possible side effects may include nausea, muscle cramps and fucking loss of self, Maric thought wryly. Fuck, why did I do this again?_

“Maric, are you alright?” Kaidan’s concerned face appeared behind him. Maric blinked, then pasted a grin on his face. He missed his old face where his scars would pull slightly when he smiled, or smirked, or more often than not, frowned. But the reason why he’d agreed was standing in front of him.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

Maric almost blushed at the wave of concern he sensed from the other man; the fact that his skin was dark enough to hide it wasn’t the point. It was such an annoying, fucking juvenile response. He’d never had problems like that before, but then again, as far as he was concerned, this was just another confirmation that this _wasn’t_ him.

Kaidan frowned, disbelief clear in his features. Walking up to Maric, Kaidan knew the other was watching him. Reaching up, he cupped Maric’s face before resting their foreheads together.

Maric gasped as Kaidan dragged him into his memories…

\---

_“Synchronise, are you sure this will work?”_

Concern, Kaidan had been concerned. Maric grasped the emotion, held onto it.

_“Do not worry Alenko Colonel.” Synchronise flexed its armoured plates. “This is the same technology that the Geth known as Legion used to upload Shepard Commander’s mind to the Geth consensus.” ___

Kaidan let his eyes wander to the reaper-tech that contained Shepard’s soul on the table. They really only had one shot at this. Then the spectre chuckled; they had faced worse odds before.

Maric felt Kaidan’s confidence, let it bolstered his own.

_Tali was standing at the console, her and the geth that had volunteered to help transfer Maric’s consciousness were busy typing away. It was all a bit complicated for Kaidan though, he may be a sentinel but his knowledge of tech was limited to the battlefield._

Maric never thought he would fall in love with an alien; being a part of the xenophobic Reds as a child, he had unfortunately assimilated some of their beliefs. But Tali...Tali was just so beautiful. He’d barely known he had been falling for her at the time...though it had just felt so right.

_Synchronise finished with its preparations, “Place the host into the docking point. I will proceed with initializing the brain-digital interface.”_

_Apart from the wires hooked into the body directly, Maric just looked like he was sleeping. Kaidan couldn’t resist reaching out to touch his cheek, smiling softly at the lack of scarring. He knew Maric had been secretly proud of them but it was nice to see him whole._

Love. Maric struggled with that concept. How could Kaidan love something that wasn’t him?

_“Initializing peer-network integration.” Synchronise intoned. Kaidan frowned, there wasn’t anything he could do to help here. Even protecting the transference itself wasn’t needed; EDI and Wrex were stationed outside the doors._

_“Mapping to consensus.”_

_Kaidan’s eyes sought out Chakwas. She smiled at him, “He’ll be fine. We’ll make sure of it.”_

_“Synchronising brainwaves to host. Downloading digital data.” Tali looked over at Synchronise._

_The spectre sighed, fingers thrumming and resisting the urge to pace._

Why so anxious? Maric didn’t like this particular emotion, wanted to make it so Kaidan never had to feel like that again.

_“Integrating consciousness to host.”_

_The body in the pod began to twitch._

\---

Maric pulled away from Kaidan, gasping. His chest was heaving, and he’s momentarily jealous of the way that the other sentinel seemed so calm.

“What the fuck was that Kaidan?” Maric growled, trying to hide his (fear? Maybe...it was so hard to feel) with anger.

Kaidan wasn’t buying it. “Show me Maric.” He stepped into Shepard’s personal space, wrapping his arms around him. “Show me what it was like. Help me understand what you’re going through.”

For the moment, Maric just stared straight ahead, arms limply at his sides. Show him? Just like that?

They stayed like that for a moment, Shepard in shock but Kaidan holding firm. Later, Maric would deny the way that his hand shook as he reached for the other’s face. Gently, he tipped Kaidan’s forehead towards his own, and opened his mind to him.

“I hope this works,” he murmured.

“It will,” Kaidan whispered back, and together they walked into Maric’s mind.

\---

_Maric’s eyes open and he gasped in shock. His limbs flexed, moving in a way that should be natural but for the moment, isn’t. He wanted to stand, pushed himself against the capsule, grunted when something pushed against him, keeping him down. He tried to push back, but he’s shaky and weak._

_He suddenly heaved, drawing in breathe almost against his will. There’s something near his ear, it registered only as a vibration for the moment._

_Slowly, Maric calmed. Almost reluctantly, his limbs still, relaxing as he realised what could only be someone's voice murmuring, comfortingly in virgin ears._

_Eyes, once blue turned glowing red, now embedded with circuitry open almost reluctantly. Vision was blurred for the moment, a slow blink brought it somewhat into focus._

_It’s...Kaidan. Without being willed, Maric smiled, and he could practically feel Kaidan’s heart skipping a beat. “You look weird with green eyes,” he murmured, voice almost gasping with the effort of speaking for the first time._

_“So do you,” Kaidan blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. “You fucking asshole, I missed you so much.”_

_He stopped as a familiar hand caressed his cheek. “I missed you too. Where’s,” he coughed suddenly, voice not used to speaking. “Where’s Tali?”_

_“Right here Maric,” her soft voice carried easily, she almost ran from the control panel to the pod containing his body._

_Maric kept one hand with Kaidan, the other rising to touch the quarian. “Fuck, you’re both so fucking beautiful.”_

_“How do you feel?” she murmured, her hands holding tightly on the first man to hold her heart._

_“I can breathe.” Maric suddenly barking a laugh, ending in a cough. “Heh...I can wiggle my toes. Never thought I’d miss that.”_

_“The commander’s vitals are normalising,” the forgotten geth piped up._

_“Oh!” Tali whirled, her embarrassment fluttering against both the men’s minds. “Sorry Synchronise. I’m glad to hear it.”_

_Maric frowned as the foreign emotion washed over him, now able to recognise it as such. “Whoa...that’s gonna take some getting used to.”_

_A pulse of what Shepard could only describe as warmth and love, washed over him, chasing away the previous chill. He turned to Kaidan, and broke out in a grin. “Oh...that’s gonna be fun later!”_

_Kaidan returned his laugh, leaning in and giving him a kiss, pulling back to let Tali do the same._

_The trio was whole once more._

\---

Maric pulled away from Kaidan, an emotional flash that almost amounted to a physical ache emanating from him. It had Kaidan and Tali immediately sending warm feelings through the bond and Shepard relaxed.

Kaidan reached out but stopped. Tali had arrived while they were in each other’s mind, and he nodded to let her try and comfort their partner. She hadn’t even bothered to remove her suit.

“What is wrong _tachi?_ ” the quarian murmured.

“Nothing.”

Snorting at the disapproving emotions flowing from both sides of him, Maric replied, “I’ll talk about it later.”

He pushed the negative feelings aside determinedly and, then grinned, projecting his sexual _need_ to the other two. He’s been waiting too long for this, for the worries about his own body to spoil it. He needed to feel human again, and Maric knew one way, while probably not the _healthiest_ way, that would help. Kaidan moaned as lust flared through his body, pushing his worries to the wayside momentarily. Tali sighed, sending him a look that clearly said _‘We’ll be talking later’_ but accepted it for the moment.

“So, wanna help me to lose my virginity?” Maric winked at Tali and Kaidan, eyebrows waggling at the both of them. “I need this, the both of you, way too much.”

“You’re hardly a virgin Shepard,” Kaidan murmured, though he had to admit, he fucking loved the idea of being Maric’s “first.”

Maric leaned in to kiss Kaidan, hand reaching out at the same time to find Tali, smiling when she grasped it. “I never had the opportunity for this, the first time actually meaning something. I want to share it with you, both of you.” He tugged Tali in for a kiss as well.

“Would it be okay if…” Tali giggled, “I watched you two together? Like old times?”

A wave of love passed over them from Kaidan. He found himself incredibly grateful to her, for this opportunity and took her hand, tugging her in for a kiss. “Thank-you,” he whispers.

“What do you want to see Tali?” Shepard murmured as he held the quarian tight. He found he loved touching her, fingers caressing the bony plates decorating her skin. It wasn’t possible before. Tonight would be a first for the three of them.

“Kaidan on his knees, with your cock down his throat.” She smiled, walking herself over to the couch to watch.

“Yes Ma’am.” Kaidan fell to his knees in front of them both, smirking as his fingers eagerly undid Shepard’s trousers. The outline of Maric’s cock made his stomach clench in the most delicious way; the commander, no, the captain was fucking _hung_. Flicking open the final catch, Kaidan pulls out Maric’s dark cock; long and thick, intimidating even when not fully erect. The head is already partially revealed, foreskin retreating on its own. His own cock was hardening in his pants but Kaidan ignored it in favour of the magnificent specimen in front of him.

It was becoming easier to ignore that green glimmer against their skin, now that Maric was back in the flesh.

Leaning forward, Kaidan rubbed the cock against his cheek, enjoying the almost velvet-silky skin adorning the shaft. His fingers danced along Maric’s dick, bringing the gorgeous organ near to full size. He needed to taste him, needed to put a good show on for Tali. Filling his mouth with the cock that he worshiped so, needed to have Maric’s hand on his head, forcing his cock down his throat.

Kaidan took the head into his mouth, suckling at it, enjoying the flavour that was _Maric_. Taking a deep breath, Kaidan practically inhaled the sizeable cock deep into his throat.

Fuck but he had missed the feel of Shepard’s cock filling his mouth.

Maric’s hand made its way into his hair and held Kaidan’s face against his belly, enjoying the way the biotic’s nose was pushed into his pubic hair. His grip was harsh but it was nothing that Kaidan didn’t want. Shepard moaned, enjoying the control Kaidan gave him. The other man was practically worshipping him, desperate to make up for lost time.

“God, you look so good around my dick…”

Kaidan moaned in reply; he wanted to just take and take, sliding his mouth enthusiastically over the cock in front of him. He began to bob his head, up and down, his tongue laving every inch of the sizeable shaft. The commander had a tight hold in his hair, practically holding him in his crotch, barely letting him move his head. Kaidan allowed it.

“Glad to see you’re still a little cock slut Kaidan,” Maric groaned, wrapping both hands around the base of Kaidan’s skull. He bucked his hips into the older man’s mouth, causing Kaidan to jerk a little, gagging but the tightening of his throat felt amazing on the head of his dick. He tugged Kaidan off his cock for a moment, letting the man breathe again. Maric smiled, wiping the saliva off Kaidan’s chin, admiring the glazed look in the biotic’s eyes.

Then, an alien hand joined Shepard’s hand in his hair; Tali had wandered over to kiss Maric, helping to hold Kaidan on the man’s cock. Her other hand was wrapped in Maric’s; the sensuality of that kiss was the opposite of the harshness that held him to Shepard’s crotch. He had missed this.

With her touch, the three of them suddenly seem to synch; without bidding, their minds opened to each other. Sliding off Shepard’s cock, Kaidan gasped; for a moment the need for physical contact was non-existent. Together, their minds connected, the bond flooded with emotion. For the moment, he didn’t know where his thoughts began, or where Tali’s started or Shepard’s ended…it didn’t matter.

“I love you,” it was gasped by one of them, and the other two replied in tandem; who said what was irrelevant. Sensation were everywhere, no one truly aware of what perceptions belonged to whom. The three of them pushing to the bed, mutual contentedness flowing through their link.

Slowly, their minds withdrew enough to differentiate who was who, but they could still feel, the sensations were still there.

“Wow,” Tali breathed.

“Yeh…” Kaidan replied. “It wasn’t like that before.”

“Mmmm,” Maric leaned into Kaidan’s chest but tugged Tali across the both of them. She giggled as he placed a kiss on her. “Gonna make watching _real_ fun for you, ma’am.”  
Murmuring her agreement, Tali pressed a final kiss against Maric’s lips, before dipping her head to give Kaidan the same. Maric smiled at the sight; the only people ever to steal his heart, also in love with each other.

Tali winked at Maric, before gracefully exiting the bed. Making her way to the couch, she made herself comfortable before one hand snuck down to thumb at her clit. She had already activated her stim program; the integration from the suit into her nano-circuitry seamless.

Shepard had already pushed Kaidan back down on the bed. He moved himself over the other biotic, almost straddling his face, and pressed his cock against Kaidan’s mouth. Kaidan opened his mouth without protest, tongue reaching out to tease at the slit, then sucking gently, as he knew how sensitive Maric’s cock was once the foreskin had retreated. Shepard’s head fell back, and his hand made its way to Kaidan’s hair. The sentinel took his cock in deeper, willingly and oh, so damn _good_.

He pulled back for a moment, breathing hard but looking incredibly pleased with himself. Maric kept his hand on his shaft, spreading the saliva down. He shot a rough grin at Kaidan, then looked at Tali for instructions. “Ma’am?”

“Kaidan, get on your hands and knees, face down on the bed,” Tali directed, shivering a little at hearing Maric direct that term at her once more. She loved that although she could now touch them directly, feel their skin on hers, _choosing_ to watch them, rather than being forced to...that was a pleasure she never thought she’d have. “Maric, fuck him.”

Maric’s hand fisted itself in Kaidan’s hair, pulling the delicious and talented mouth off his cock. He enjoyed the slightly dazed look in the other man’s eyes. He positioned himself in front of Kaidan, kissing him deeply before speaking.

“Spread that beautiful ass of yours Kaidan, make sure that Tali gets a good view.”

Kaidan whimpered a little as he complied, spreading his legs out then pressing his face into the bedding as he reached around to curve his hands around his ass, tugging them apart to expose his hole. His own sizeable cock hung directly down, giving Tali a perfect view of his arousal. She knew Kaidan loved being fucked by Maric, loved the feeling of offering such a vulnerable part of himself to his lovers. Though, come to think of it, Shepard was the same way with them.

What Kaidan wasn’t expected, was the press of Maric’s tongue to his rim.

“Mmmm, gonna eat out your pretty ass Kaidan. Give it the attention it deserves.”

“Ah! Please!”

Tali sighed happily, she knew exactly how good that tongue of Shepard’s was, had experienced it herself a few times. Maybe later, he could do the same to her…

“Yesss, Kaidan, let me hear you," he said then brought his lips and tongue to Kaidan’s asshole.

Kaidan groaned as that tongue speared him open again, a litany of incoherent babble spewing from his mouth. Fuck, but _no one_ could make him feel like this. Sexy, desired, wanted, _fucking filthy_ and open.

He was rightfully distracted by the attention paid to his ass and so didn’t notice Tali moving from her spot on the couch, to hand Maric the lube they needed. Maric took his time, enjoying driving Kaidan wild.

The dollop of cold lube landed directly on Kaidan’s slightly opened hole, making him flinch slightly and he swore at the unexpected feeling, then groaned as Shepard stroked one finger around the tight ring of muscle. It felt like forever, but finally, one lubed finger started to steadily push inside him. Kaidan’s hands tightened on his ass, groaning as Maric somehow managed to hit his prostate on the first push. He kept his mouth firmly shut though; no matter how much he wanted to beg, it was Tali who was calling the shots tonight.

He grunted as another finger slid in beside the first. It went in easily, despite Maric’s thick fingers, despite how long it’s been since he’s been fucked. Kaidan pushed back eagerly and Maric fingerfucked him, spreading his hole in preparation for that gloriously thick cock; he had missed this. Then the bastard leaned forward and _nipped_ at the back of his neck, right below where his fused implant lay. It coursed like lightning through him; so intense he almost blew his load.

Kaidan shuddered, a full body shake and he lost hold of himself. “Fuck!”

“Oh god! Maric, fuck me! I need you to fuck me, please. Tali!”

Firm hands grasped his hips, the tip of Maric’s cock sliding against his ass. Kaidan moaned as he tried to lean back, but the fucking bastard held his hips still. “Is that what ma’am wants?” Maric winked at the quarian.

“Ask nicely Kaidan,” Tali practically purred. Maric slapped his ass to emphasis her wish.

“Ah, fuck! Please, please, please,” Kaidan trailed off into a whisper.

“What is it that you want Maric to do?” Tali had climbed on the bed, hand trailing over Kaidan’s cheeks. She wiped an errant tear off his face.

“I want him inside me, ma’am. Please, I need it.”

Tali grinned, then amped up her stim-program. “Mmmm, do it Maric.”

“Yes ma’am!”

“Fuck me, please,” Kaidan’s voice dissolved into a low moan, the tip of Maric’s cock finally breaching him. “Want you in me…”

“Keep those hands there,” Maric whispered in his ear.

Kaidan obliged, hands moving back to his ass, spreading himself wide open, opening himself to his lover’s eyes. He could feel the bed move as Maric shifted his weight, and then the pressure of that glorious cock; it felt impossible, but he knew it wasn't, and just whimpered quietly Maric slowly began to slide deep inside. The discomfort that would come tomorrow was totally, fucking _worth_ it.

The burning eased as Kaidan adjusted to the considerable girth being pushed up inside of him. Kaidan’s hands trembled as he dutifully held himself open, the sight making both Maric and Tali moaned. Kaidan groaned in harmony, taking the glorious cock deep, taking it until there was nothing of Maric’s cock left outside of him, the entire shaft engulfed by Kaidan’s ass.

“Ah, god, Kaidan! Fuck, you feel incredible…” Maric forced himself to stop, keeping himself as still as possible to wait for the other biotic to adjust, rubbing down Kaidan’s back, helping to distract him, relax him.

Finally, Kaidan shuddered, body relaxing around the invasion. He felt so fucking _full_ and tight, the feeling of Maric so deep inside him, making him complete again… looking behind him, slightly dazed, he gave a slight nod, and Maric slowly withdrew before rocking back into him.

Both of the men gasped at the feeling.

“Mmmm, tell us what you’re thinking Maric.” Tali moaned her pleasure, watching Kaidan’s well-stretched asshole taking the considerable shaft with no problem.

Maric thrust repeatedly against the major’s perfect behind happily. “Oh god, ma’am...fucking love watching my cock disappear inside your ass Kaidan,” Maric moaned. “You love it too, don’t you? You love my big dick deep inside your fucking ass?”

Shepard couldn’t help himself, he spanked one cheek hard, delighting in the imprint that he left. Kaidan groaned from the sudden stinging pain. Maric evened it up by spanking his other cheek.

“Tell me you love it. Tell Tali what it feels like to have this fucking cock so deep inside you.”

Tali was focused on Maric’s cock disappearing into Kaidan’s ass. “Look at you both. So beautiful.” She shuddered as her suit upped the stimulation, her hips undulating at the sensations.

Kaidan moaned deeply; Maric was fucking his ass almost at the right angle for him to come without touching himself. The bastard knew it too.

“Want you to come Kaidan, come so fucking hard.” Kaidan groaned, a bolt of lust coursing through him, the combination of words and Maric drilling him, almost too much.

“Mmmm, you take me so fucking well.”

Maric moved slightly, adjusting his position so his cock seemed to hit Kaidan’s prostate directly. He yelped slightly, drawing himself up a little before Maric pushed him back down. The new position pulled, yet more moans and whimpers out of the man below him. Kaidan begged to be fucked harder, deeper and Maric obliged, using the strength of his thighs and arms to mount him.

“Right there,” Kaidan heard himself repeating, almost sobbing, “Oh god, Maric!” He practically whimpered as he comes, shuddering around Maric’s cock inside and Tali’s hand around him.

Maric swore suddenly. The feeling of Kaidan clenching around him, makes him almost miss Tali’s next instruction, “Cum inside him Maric.”

It’s the last thing he needed, a final few thrusts before he buried himself deep, moaning into Kaidan’s neck as he came deep inside his first love. They held together for a moment, shuddering their orgasms together, before either could move.

Maric gently pulled his softening cock out of Kaidan’s ass. The biotic winced at the slight stinging sensation; he was going to be fucking sore tomorrow.

The sight of Maric’s warm cum oozing out of Kaidan’s stretched hole finally pushed Tali over the edge and she whimpered her orgasm. Shepard grinned at the sight and couldn’t help himself, he leaned forward to capture a dribble of cum that escaped from Kaidan. He grinned at the yelp that escaped the older man and held his hips down.

“Just let me clean you up, _Colonel_.” His tongue traced the path, digging past the sensitive rim to clean him out.

“Fuck, Maric…you fucking asshole!”

Tali giggled and Maric just couldn’t help himself, he started to join in.

The three of them lay on Shepard’s bed. He reached out to hold Tali closer, smiling at her sated form. Maric closed his eyes to listen to their breathing, finally convincing himself that it wasn’t a dream. He had never felt so at peace, so completely _right_.

They were really his. He was really here with them. And the possibility that they could have forever…never, in a million years, did he think he would ever deserve such a thing.

Now, he just had to shake off this feeling that his body didn’t belong to him.


	9. Epilogue

Kaidan couldn’t help the grin that was spreading over his face as he looked over at Maric in the cockpit of their shuttle. It was still strange seeing Shepard with no scarring, only the gentle green glimmer of circuitry, but it was a sight worth getting used to.

The man was staring out the window and frowning, which wasn’t unusual in itself but the leg that wouldn’t stop bouncing was.

“Nervous Shepard? Don’t worry, my mom won’t bite.”

Maric paused, then turned to grin back at him, though the leg hadn’t stopped. “It's not your mom I’m worried about.”

“Then what are you…ah.”

Maric just raised an eyebrow.

“Charlie is gonna love you, just like he always did, Maric.”

Maric snorted. “Fuck, when did you get to be able to read me so well Kaidan?” He sighed, trying to relax in his chair. “I just wish Tali was here too.”

Kaidan nodded, then turned to input the commands to take them in for a landing. “I know what you mean Maric. It feels…strange not having her here, but with that business on Rannoch…”

The other marine waved off his concerns. They both knew the urgency that had accompanied the request for Tali’s return to her home planet. Maric almost wished to be with her, instead of going back to Kaidan’s family orchard. But he’d finally be able to see Charlie again. He swallowed nervously. What if Charlie didn’t recognise him? What if he hated him now? With the new…body, who knew what would happen?

Kaidan reached out and placed his hand on the other sentinel’s leg. “It’ll be okay Maric.” He chuckled. “Mom said she’d have some bourbon for you even. She knows how you feel about wine.”

Maric chuckled a wry grin in Kaidan’s direction and Kaidan’s heart skipped a beat. He still missed those gorgeous baby blues, but to have the man here with him, probably until the end of their days, well…that was worth it. He leant in to place a quick kiss on the man’s lips, pulling away when Maric threatened to deepen it on him.

“Come on, my mother’s waiting for us,” Kaidan rolled his eyes at his partner’s antics. He had already unclipped himself and was walking to the shuttle-door. Maric took a deep breath and then plastered his trademark smirk on, following the other biotic outside the shuttle.

He had a brief glance of Kaidan hugging his mother, when a flash of white came tearing from around the corner. The four little legs almost skidded as the small, solid dog ran directly to Maric.

And into him.

Falling to the ground with the small package of joy, Maric let Charlie happily licked and jumped around him. He didn’t mind the whiplash of the tail, or the accidental scratchings from the bull terrier’s paws. He was home. Charlie hadn’t forgotten him!

“See? Told you Charlie would remember you.” Kaidan smiled, then frowned. “Maric…are you crying? Are you alright?”

Shepard hadn’t even noticed, had assumed the liquid on his face was from the licks of his dog. Charlie remembered him. Even better, Charlie _knew_ him! And it was stupid, but, the immediate acceptance from this little bundle of furry muscle had soothed him more than even the reassurances from his partners.

He was going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank-you so much to everyone who supported my writing this xD
> 
>  **Sparkly_butthole** for poking me into joining the MEBB challenge and actually writing the story.  
>  **Bardofheartdive** for providing endless amounts of cheering on!  
>  **Barbex** and **Natsora** for helping beta-read this monstrosity  <3  
>  **Kate_shepard** and **potionsmaster** for listening to me moan and whinge haha
> 
> And to everyone else <3 the ME writing community is a wonderful source of inspiration and love <3


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